Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Over the river and through the woods...

In black & white because there is so much sweet potatoes on her bib it takes away from her gorgeous smile 

Well, Grandmother (& Grandfather) came to our house…

Gramps was very anti-photo... I had to take what I could get. (Okay AAAANNNNDD I guess he is a blogging gremlin as well -- can't get this photo to center for the life of me...)

Grammy & Grampy Pasker are in the HIZZ – OUZZZZZZZZZZZZ! I had asked them to come up something really cute, like Gigi or Nana or PopPop. They didn’t – LAME! (Just kidding, Grammy and Grampy.) I think that I’m going to name them something fun that Finn will be able to say early. The reason is beyond the unoriginality of Grammy & Grampy – 1) My parents are too young & hip to be named Grammy & Grampy and 2) Both our mothers’ names are Mary. So my mom can’t be Grammy Mary, which has a nice ring to it. And I think that Grammy Pasker sounds too distant & formal, kind of like Miss Finn instead of Miss Murphy.

Grampy, the photo bomber

E’s parents are already grandparents and have been for the past 9 years. So their names are set in stone… Granny & Opa. I find Opa particularly amusing as E’s parents are from Ireland and “Opa” is German or Dutch. But that’s who they are – Granny & Opa.

Grammy makes the best napping pillow...

Grampy left this morning, which makes us sad. But we had him for 5 days. Grammy is staying until next Thursday, which makes us happy! I’m sure that she is going to dog-tired of us come next Thursday. Doubtful. My mom was made to be a grandmother. It’s unfortunate that we don’t live closer so she can be an in-person grandma more often. But it just makes visits like this more special and more meaningful.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago what was the biggest thing that surprised me about becoming a parent. I don’t recall my exact answer, but I’m sure it was one of the standard answers that all parents say. “I didn’t know that I could love so much.” “I didn’t know that a simple smile could melt my heart and that I would try for HOURS to gain that smile.” “I didn’t know how absolutely fast time starts to fly once you have a baby.” Now all of those are true, of course. But I knew and expected all of those, so they weren’t a real shock.  

My biggest surprise was how much I was going to examine MY life and try to be the best person that I could be for HER.

And I’m not just talking about being nicer to people and being more accepting of people. In examining what it is meant to be the best for her, I have come to realize that I’m not the best person that I want to be for MYSELF. I was told that motherhood changes you. I had thought that it was just the singular change that my heart was going to grow bigger than I imagined it could, welcoming an amazing new being to rest in there.

Becoming a mother changed me in a fundamental way. It made me stronger. It changed my values. It changed my direction in life. I stand a little taller. I see a little clearer. I realized who and what were truly important. All my life I searched for my purpose. And when I had her and started to examining these feelings, I looked at her in all of her tiny newbornness and said to her “This is what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to be your mama.” But it’s now that I realize that it’s more than that. Along with being her Mama, my purpose is to set an amazing example for her. And I can’t let her down.

It was almost as if a light bulb went off above my head. Upon the enlightenment that I wanted something more, there was a small period of anger – towards myself. I thought “I’m 33 years old and now I’m just realizing what it is that I want to be when I grow up?? What kind of person I want to be?? A little late, don’t you think, Jamie?” But I realized that it’s never too late. As long as we start taking the steps to have our best life, it’s never too late.

I want her to look at her mother and say “I’m going to be just like her someday.”
And I do not want to cringe and say “No, darling. I want so much more for you…”

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