Please excuse the lack of make-up and the unbrushed hair... I am proud to say that I DID shower this morning. I can't remember if I looked this haggardly with Finn or not. I would bet not as I now have double-duty, both baby-rearing and toddler-rearing.
- As you can see, I'm a lot smaller now, but I'm not back to my pre-pregnancy size yet. I have lost 24 pounds, with 23 still to go. My tummy is pretty much a bowl of jelly. I think one of the reasons that I loved having a pregnant belly was because my stomach was taunt and you didn't feel like you had a fat tummy even when you were enormous, you just felt enormous. Now I just feel flabby. I'm trying to NOT be so hard on myself as I know that it took 9 months to pack on the weight. It should take 9 months to get back to my original shape and with Finn, I actually LOST from my pre-pregnancy weight by her first birthday. I also think that weight and belly flab are completely about perspective. I'm attaching my early pregnancy photos below. The posts written with these photos were saying how I looked bloated or how people who couldn't tell I was pregnant needed some serious glasses (I pasted the best quotes from each post). I would KILL for a flat tummy like that! I have no doubt that I will return to my original weight and size -- I just need to practice patience... But I truly can't wait to be thin again.
"I think that this week is going to be the end of fat-phase and by next week, I should enter into the I-look-pregnant-phase..."
In regards to losing a little weight, "I realized that it's only 3 pounds, but it makes me feel a lot less heavy (I'm sure it's all psychological)."
In regards to telling a co-worker at work that I was pregnant, "She had the balls to tell me that I am showing way too early for 13 weeks, that my bump was too big for 13 weeks."
In regards to my PI (the doctor that I work with) at work, "Honestly, I don't know how he doesn't know. This stomach isn't in hiding -- if he seriously doesn't know, he must think that I'm a fat cow."
- Physically, I feel completely normal. In fact, I felt completely normal after about a week and a half. My post-delivery pain was actually very minimal. I took a single Motrin in the hospital directly after delivery and then took another 24 hours after delivery due to post-partum cramping (which is absolutely NO joke the second time around). Beyond that, I didn't take anything (besides Colace) for recovery and felt great. In fact, even my post-delivery bathroom routine (which I continued for at least 3 weeks with Finn) was back to normal by day 4-5. In fact, I'm practically done with the postpartum bleeding right now (it continued until about week 6 with Finn). My pelvis has fused back together -- I still had some issues with some residual pain for about 1-2 weeks, but now that's gone as well. I am going to give all credit to the dates that I ate in the last trimester.
- And I can't remember how tired I was the first time around, but this newborn crap is seriously no joke. I am exhausted... He has settled into a nighttime routine of sorts -- we hit the hay around 9pm, he wakes at midnight, then at 3am and then at 5:30am. Due to the fact that I'm breastfeeding, I am the one that is up all three times (and sometimes more if he dirties his diaper so loud the neighbors could hear it). We are co-sleeping (which I know many people poo-poo on) and it's the only thing that is saving my sanity as I'm able to get more sleep. I'm not a napper (never have been). "Sleep when the baby sleeps" as he sleeps for hours at a time during the day. But once I fall asleep during the middle of the day, I am dragging the rest of the day -- as I can never fully wake up from the nap. I'm groggier AFTER a nap than if I just stay awake the whole day and go to sleep a little earlier in the evening.
Fish at two weeks
- I'm struggling -- that's the nicest way to say it. I've come to realize that I am a creature of habit. I'm like a toddler that has to have my routine and I don't like to deviate. I am trying to keep my head afloat as we find our new routine, but the unbalance that is our current state tends to leave me anxious and very unsteady. I also am a strong, independent woman -- that's my life motto (just ask E). Right now, due to the fact that Fish & Finn are both so needy, I can't do everything that I normally would do. That irritates me to no end and makes me very quick-tempered. I've caught myself snapping at Finn because I was frustrated that I was chained to the sofa feeding Fish and couldn't stop her from destroying whatever was in front of her.
- I love being my children's everything and I still want to be their everything -- I just want 20 minutes away. I love that before Fish came, I was Finn's everything. I was her chef, her bather, her playmate, her good-night kisser. There was nowhere I would rather be than with her. And the same now goes for Fish. I enjoy the fact that I can silence his cries just by being handed him from someone else. But it's a double-edge sword as both kids are in a very needy phase. Fish is a newborn and of course is needy, needy, needy -- that's what newborns do best. But Finn is also in a needy phase as toddlers thrive in routine and her routine is all whackadoo right now, which leads to a cranky toddler that needs Mommy's help ALL THE TIME. But there are moments that I wish that I was formula feeding, so I could get 15 minutes away. There are moments where I wish that Finn was a little older so she could do more things for herself. I keep preaching to myself that this is only going to last for another couple of weeks. Once we have settled into a more settled schedule & Fish is a little bigger and out of the newborn phase, things will quiet down to a louder, crazier routine. (Yes, I'm going to cry in a couple of weeks that Fish is no longer a newborn, even though I'm wishing his newborn days away right now.)
- I watch E leave for work or leave to help someone else for the day and realize that I can't leave the house alone without his permission now. I had this same feeling with Finn and it goes away as the newborn gets bigger and the weather gets nicer. But I can't go anywhere without Fish since I'm breastfeeding and/or Finn if she isn't at daycare. It gets very lonely as I'm no-where near home and family and I don't have many friends who live close. I can count my close friends that I made here on a single hand and they are all over a 30 minute drive away.
- I think that the weather has played a big role in my feeling trapped at home. I can't walk outside with Fish as it's too cold. Also I can't get out and exercise both myself or Munk. So I feel guilty that Munk lost Bishop and I can't go out and take his mind off of sitting inside being bored. It was over 50 degrees this past week, but the wind and rain were in effect, so I couldn't get out. This week is supposed to be back in the teens -- another reason why I can't wait for a couple of weeks.
- I'm still struggling with the idea of staying home with them. There are days where I don't think that I could do it. And there are also days where I would hate to leave them for the day. I struggle with the idea of us living on a single income. But I also struggle thinking that they are only going to be this little once and I should take full advantage of it. There is also a local-SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) group that meets during the day that I would love to take advantage of to make friends. But again, the only way that I could do that would be to stay home. So even my return to work is in limbo...
- I also think that losing my dog during my early postpartum days doesn't make this transition any easier. But I'm going to go with the logic that everyone struggles during the newborn phase (because it makes me feel better). So even though I've done this before, it's still hard. I know that I will survive and that everyone will be stronger once we see the other side. This is only a temporary phase and soon we will be settled into being a family of four.