Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Every new beginning....

Comes from some other beginning's end...

So, today is my last day home with my little lady.  To say that I'm sad would be a MAJOR understatement.

Today's weather is a perfect companion to my emotions.  It is rainy and gloomy.  At first, I thought it was a sign from God that he was upset because I had to go to work tomorrow.  I told E that one, but the logical scientist scoffed.  Then I realized why the powers that be decided to make it rain today.  Not to deepen my sadness.  But just the opposite because it is perfect weather for snuggling.

The one thing that I've come to realize in this last year is that in order to have flowers, you gotta have some rain.  It's the rain that makes the flowers' stems strong enough to support the beautiful petals that bloom with the sun.  It's the rain that makes the flowers' roots dig deeper into the soil to strengthen its foundation.

And that's what I'm starting to see my return to work as.  It's my rain.

As much as I want to sit at home with my baby girl everyday for the rest of my life, I know that it's not possible.  I know that I may need to get out of the house and spend some time away from her to remember who I am.  At this point, I've only spent probably a total of 10 hours away from her in the past 12 weeks.  It's difficult to find yourself in an hour here and an hour there.

I remember the girl that I was before I had her and I don't want to lose her.  I want to be that girl for my girl.  I want to be the strong, independent woman that teaches my girl how to have dance parties of one, which will now forever be dance parties of two (sometimes three when Munk joins in).  I didn't realize how easy it was to lose yourself in someone -- to suddenly just become Mommy and not be Jamie anymore.  Just as much as I need my old self, Finn needs Jamie, too.

And although there will be more than enough tears being shed tomorrow, let the rain fall down on me.  For the flowers that bloom from this rain will be exquisite.

1 comment:

  1. Hey girlie. :) I love reading your blog and I have to say that I felt most if not all of the same things you are feeling now when it comes to leaving little Finn. :) It will be a year this July that I have been a stay at home mom for Joyra and I don't regret my decision for a second! They are only little once and as trying as she can be some days I am very thankful that I am the one dealing with her tantrums or hearing her new words or getting to watch her dance and sing along with "Dinosaur Train" and even getting to be the one to work on potty training (though that's not going so well right now lol!) We grow up wondering what sort of "career" we want - what do we want to be when we grow up? We choose our path, love our work and think our life is pretty darn great. Then you become a mom and suddenly things are more beautiful, brighter and just better than you ever thought they could be. I still love my job - being a nurse is a wonderful thing. But once I had my Joyra, my "career" changed to "Mom". :)